12th LEAGUE vs Edenvale

No1 Brian - In superb form and without a sweat klapped his opponent 9/0; 9/2 and 9/0.

No3 Paddy - Played next and it was pretty much more of the same. Paddy won 9/1; 9/1 and 9/0.

No2 Des - Played third and didn't even have to take his SHARKS track-suit top off (other wise he would have got cold standing on the T. Won - wait for it! - 9/0; 9/0 and 9/0. He felt so bad he kept me waiting in the cold whist he played another "practice" game with the youngster!

No4 Bob - Obviously played their number 1 as he had a tougher match only winning 9/6; 9/3 and 9/5. Must say it was the most unpleasant match of the season as the pri*k from Edenvale had such a bad attitude, moaning and throwing his racket after each point and complaining about the marker!

Happy to report a good win 16 - 0.

Final result 16-0

11th LEAGUE vs Wendywood

We played Wendywood at home on Wednesday evening. We were scheduled to play away, but a quick thinking Wendywood team notified us of the impending power cuts that were scheduled for this week, and we arranged to rather play at the Chamber courts. After fielding a pretty strong team for the return match, we were convinced that we could take them down. And we nearly did.

Brennan lost 1-3 to a very "in form" Andrew.
Graeme came back from near defeat to win his game 3-2
Johan Carstens also took a win, his first of the season, 3-1
Greg didn't bring his A-game with him on the night, and went down 1-3 at position 4.

Having lost by 1 game, the final match result was 8-11 - a much improved performance by the 11th league team, but still not quite enough to take the win unfortunately.

Final result

10th LEAGUE vs Southern Suburbs

Southern Suburbs was always going to be the biggie – the test to see whether we’d be ending the first half of the league at the top of the points table. And then there was the additional strain of playing a team from the deep south – they’re a bit different over there…

No. 3 Nigel vs. Duane. Okay, so he looked a bit average in the warm-up and I thought he was going to be one of those guys who comes out of nowhere with some amazing shots when the game got underway. Not so much – he continued with a fine display of mediocrity and made it easy for me to wait for his mistakes. It also helps when your opponent can’t return much from the back of the court. So three quick games later we were off to a good start.

No. 4 Paul vs. Garrett. Here we were a bit nervous. Paul hadn’t played for about five weeks and the team watched with trepidation to see what effect the lay-off had had on his legendary fitness. Firstly, an explanation: Paul’s fitness is legendary not so much for being in league with the Iron man crowd as with the SAB crowd. He seemed to be hitting the ball pretty cleanly though and only just lost the first game 9-7 after it see-sawed both ways a couple of times. From there on he mixed up some sublime squash (confusing his opponent Garrett several times and leaving him shaking his head) with some absolutely shocking shots (leaving Paul shaking his head and having stern conversations with himself for playing like a ****). Alas, there was no comeback despite some entertaining rallies and Paul went down in three.

No. 2 Phil A vs Ockie. Now it was even in games, but Phil had been in superb form during Monday night’s practice so it was going to be a certain three games for us. Didn’t start that way in the first game though as Phil got a couple of points and then watched his opponent take the rest. He got his running legs on for the next three games though and picked up every drop that Ockie played, throwing in some nice, tight shots for good measure. So he cruised to a victory by leaving the opposition with very few options.

No. 1 Tom vs Dilin. Tom got stuck in playing some good shots hugging the walls and sending the ball into the corners. The first game was always going to be Tom’s. The wheels came a bit loose in the second game though, and some loose shots and unforced mistakes cost Tom. Dilin’s fist pumping after his second game comeback didn’t help him in the rest of the match as he began to tire. Tom cut down on the errors and shut Dilin out.

A good result for us in the end – hopefully Suburbs do us a favour in the next game when they go up against Old Eds who are next on the log below us. Two long weekends in a row are unlikely to help our game though…

1) Tom: 3 – 1

2) Phil A: 3 – 1

3) Nigel: 3 – 0

4) Paul: 0 – 3

.Final result 12-5

9th league vs. Modderfontein

Took the long and winding road to Modderfontein last night for 9th league.

Captain Fillmore thought he'd get clever and bolster his side with 8th league ringers cause half his side is away. So he ropes in Nic Papa and myself to the snot snivelers ranks. This morning he was still thinking deeply.

On first at no 1 goes first ringer Nic. But he did'nt last long I'm afraid. That's actually very polite --- he got stuck solid left, right and centre --- wham bang thank you mam. 3 duck down and that's about all we can say. All over in about the same time as the warm up took.

Next on at no 2 went Graham Vermaak. A regular snot sniveler who was indeed wiping away the snot with a heavy head cold. Despite the illness he nevertheless played a great game and looked strong throughout. Could have been anyone's game but he eventually succumbed 1 -- 3 in a fine overall effort.

So the stage is set for ringer no 2 Bowen at # 3. On I go against a fit looking youngster. First game over in two minutes 1 -- 9 down and I'm feeling and looking like Nic. And he's standing at in gallery smiling like a chesire cat. Next game was marginally better but still a bit of a routing. In the third I managed 7 points but was still well outplayed. So also 3 duck down and I'm thinking I cant wait to escape back to 8th League.

Last on is captain Pete who played a captains innings. Gave his elderly opponent no chance at all and wrapped it up in the same style as Nic and I lost. So at least some Exiles pride salvaged with a 3 -- 0 win.

And then off for some beverages before Petes final parting shot as we walk out the restaurant : "Next time I'll call in the bloody 10th league you %@+&($ " .

So an overall humiliation 4 -- 16 down but a pleasant evening anyway

Reply from one irate Digby

I can't believe it....................that's it...............we have stooped to the lowest of the lowest.

I have no doubt Mr R5000 a minute George Bowen that you were awaiting my return and forthwith my inevitable reaction to this absolute debacle.

This is indeed a grave situation...........in fact............a national disaster.....

I have read this pathetic story 4 times and still I see the unacceptable names of Papa and Bowen first of all having tried to upgrade themselves by representing the "esteemed Exiles 9th league" and secondly getting klapped.........not even 1 game by either of you for the "Gentlemen"

This is diabolical, and of such proportions that we will have to call our cappy in for a severe disciplinary offence of having selected ruffians from the so called 8th league.

Do you thugs realise that you LOST...................Any good citizen would resign and join Poffadder.

Of course you could 'buy' your way out of this...........we are open to bribery..even ol' boy Big G.

I have no doubt that we will only see you next year or even later...........as any half decent chappie would not want to be seen having disgraced the "superior 9th leaguers"

Match score:4-16

7th League vs. Parkview

Quite a thrilling encounter with all matches going to 5 games.

First on Captain Loake against Chinese looking Ronald who won the knock up.

After lobbing and dropping Paul won the first two games quite easily,then changed the game plan to give him a chance. So loosing the next two managed to cruise home 9-7 in the 5th!.

Next on our import Michael Hunt. A nice exhibition of movement and squash prowess. Mike's opponent had no idea where the ball was ,or where it was going!!. (Chairmans comment – did Mike know?). Mike's supreme fitness and skill taking him to 5 games but succumbing in the 5th.

Then came our stalwart Manie against Graham Page with his wife looking on (she's quite nice.)Manie picked up everything Graham could throw at him including his wife.

But Loake came to the rescue with canny marking and making eye's at his wife whilst Graham was playing. 3 of the games went to 10-8 with Manie taking the 5th by the same score line.

Mr George Palmer on next knowing that he only has to win, or can lose 3-1. To lose 3-2 would be a points count.

The first two games were over before we could chat up Graham's wife!!.George's opponent could not retrieve the tight boast's and length's, George now 2 up.

But then he lost the plot, obviously wanting to put our math's to the test with a points count. Some how George managed to loose the next three games,to his inferior opponent, so we lost on points.....................Match lost 12-10.

Match score: 10-12

6ththLeague “B”(Battleground) vs Old Eds

On a cold and chilly evening Chamber B gathered for a “shootout”. Before continuing with that story there is a COTY nomination for Duncan – on arriving at the squash court he opened his squash bag to see his tennis racquet and no squash racquet. Luckily for him he had his spare squash racquet as well (maybe this is why he was so aggressive tonight).

No Phil tonight so on a no 2 the honourable captain against Jason. First game is a bit of a humdinger with me taking it 10-8 but it was in this first game that the fun started with the opponent questioning one or two balls that were up and the umpire calling let. Managed to lose the next 6-9, came back in the 3rd to win 9-5, was up in the 4th and after a hard battle lost it 7-9, Jason’s comment at this stage was that the fat boy was still running – well he had to do a lot more running and their were a few more tight calls with me eventually winning 9-7. Games 3-2

An hour later on goes Ryan at No1 against Tony – I think Ryan thought he had to make up some time so lost the first 1-9, things got marginally better in the second and Ryan lost 8-10 but that was the end of it 7-9 in the third. Phil please come back and we have sent Ryan on sabbatical to go and visit his psychologist. Games 0-3

Dirk entered the court at no 4 playing against Cecil. It seemed as if Dirk was starting slowly by carefully placing his shots in the corners causing his opponent to run a lot and play all his shots back into the middle of the court. Dirk must have received at least 8 stroke calls in his favour which frustrated the opponent, lucky it was Jason doing the marking. With great precision Dirk wrapped up the game in no time 9-5, 9-5 and 9-1. Games 3-0

The battle was about to begin, to be sure of a win we needed this match. If we lost 2-3 it would be a points countdown. At no 3 Duncan against Jeremy, Jeremy is a vet with all the vet tactics in the book. I think in the second point a let was asked for and it never stopped from there. At one point Jeremy asked for a let when Duncan hit it in the nick and Duncan let him know what he thought of the request (nicely of course). This led to Jeremy’s team-mates getting in on the act calling Duncan unsportsmanlike. I must admit this was not the first time that I had heard some choice language in the matches. Umpire tries to restore order and on we went. First game Duncan 9-3, Jeremy returning the favour in the second 3-9. Jeremy started the vet tactics taking ages between points while Duncan was trying the youth tactics of speeding up play. Third game to Duncan 9-5, at least we would not lose on games now. Jeremy held on to win the fourth 9-6. In the last Jeremy was out on his feet but continued retrieving everything, time between points lasted forever and the verbal chit chat never stopped – Duncan’s nerve and cool lasted and he won 9-5. Games 3-2

Match finished at 10-20pm and Chamber team unsociably chose not to stay for the midnight meal (will make up for it on the return)

Tip for the week – bring your squash racquet to squash and do not get involved in the jibe

Match result :12-7

6ththLeague “A”(Astonishingly Awesome) vs Parkview

Load shedding again necessitated a change of venue to Parkview and 19:30 start. The late change also necessitated playing on a court with no door (silly Parkview were not to know that we are quite used to playing without doors and back walls)!

We knew we were in for a tough evening, playing against the only other undefeated side and so it proved to be.

The Silver Fox up first against a tricky Dave, with his bionic knee brace. John was too loose to start and was punished in a closely fought game. A little bit of tightening up resulted in a fairly comfortable match from there on (3-1).

Captain Chris on next against lefty, Darrell. Too many mistakes cost me the first game. The second game started with one of the energy sapping rallies that seem to go on forever. Virtually out on my feet hardly before the match had started I hung in there until eventually Darrell started making errors himself. With honours even all the luck and a lot of desparate shot making all seemed to go my way in the next two games. (3-1)

Gavin on next against a somewhat wayward Anthony. Irked by the fitness comments in the last match report, Gavin was determined not to let fitness (or lack thereof) come into play and made short work in three pretty straight forward games (3-0).

Could we do the unthinkable and take 16 against the mighty Parkview? Rocket Ron came up against the other Dave. I am afraid the real Ron never turned up on the evening as he was hammered in three easy games, where nothing went right for Ron. None of us are really sure what went wrong with Ron and we weren’t able to find out either because that was the last we saw of Ron for the evening as he made a quick exit (0-3).

Overall 12-5. Still undefeated and only 16 points dropped in the season.

Squash rule #87 – if you are playing in a court without a door, the drive serve down the centre is possibly not the best option!

Match result : 12-5

5th LEAGUEvs Wits Univ

No report but

Trevor won 3-0

Shaun won 3-0

Dave won 3-0

Fergus won 3-0 (Fergus’ oppo was lulled into a false sense of security when Dave told him it was his 1st league game – he neglected to say “this season” and forgot to tell him of Fergus’ previous 40 years experience)

Match result :16-0

3rd LEAGUE vs Randburg (at Wits – damn Eskom)

Going into this match we were tie top of 3rd league.

Jeff played first against (world champion) Roy Plumstead and had a hard long run and managed to win 10-9 in the 5th.

Willem played next and got a hiding from Andrew Wallers, going down 0-3.

Gary played next against Donald Hector and just couldn’t hold on at 9-8 up in the 4th, losing 1-3. Getting the 4th would have forced a points count.

Francis played last and being 8-something down in the 1st and 2nd had us concerned but he was too strong for Wayne Muller and won 3-0.

Francisco: 3-0

Willem: 0-3

Jeff: 3-2

Gary: 1-3

Match Result: 7-10.

We trail by 3 points now, but Winchester could have passed us and pushed us to 3rd. Lots of team practice is needed to regain the top spot. (OK Jeff, I think you get enough practice.)

Match Result: 7-10

Ladies 4th LEAGUE 02 vs Northcliff

They had a pretty tough team.

Megan lost 0 - 3

Pat is playing like a star and won 3 - 0

Caroline had a great game pulling up from 0 -2 to even it at 2 all and then unfortunately losing it.

Jenny won the 1st game 9 - 0 after which her partner started shouting at herself and created a really torrid atmosphere on court and eventually Jenny lost 1 - 3

Overall result 6-12

Ladies 3rd LEAGUE 01 vs Winchester Hills

We graciously allowed postponement as they had only 2 fit players

Overall result

Joke of the Week

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Rob Mugabe die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there. She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair .

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US . He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat.

Mugabe is jealous. He says I want to call Zim, He calls and talks for about an hour ... then he asks the devil how much do I owe you? The devil replies: only one dollar, Mugabe is shocked and asks "why so little?" The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, it's a local call. �

12th LEAGUE vs Pirates

Their captain was not there and they seemed to be pretty disorganised and a couple of their players introduced themselves to each other in my presence.

They happened to be their No 1 and No2!!! See no evil Speak no evil!

Nevertheless, we proceed.

No1 - Thankfully Brian was back from his South Coast holiday and although a little heavier after a few weeks of sun, sea, sand and braai's and beer but in his true aggressive manner soon got back into squash mode and thrashed his (ringer) opponent 3/0. I loved it! One of Brian's shots has to go down in the annuals of Chamber history.. he slipped playing a shot, fell onto his bottom, opponent returned the ball while Brian was still prostrate but he swivelled around and returned a winning shot!

No2 - Des. He never even looked as though he would get into the game with the Pirates (ringer) player over him like a rash! Des lost 0/9; 3/9 and 0/9.

COTY nomination for not trying!

No3- Bob. Had a good game against an evenly matched player. Games were like a see-saw 3/9; 9/4; 3/9; 9/1 and 3/9. Could have gone either way.

No4- John. Played like a demon with some VERY LOUD Oh's and Ah's but pulled off a remarkable victory for us to clinch the night. No one was happier than our man John. He won 3/1.

RESULT - Won 10/7 - points were in Pirates favour 100/91 but "a win's a win, o' pal!"

Uncharacteristically only two of their players stayed for a beer - the first one we were offered was after showers in the bar! We went out for pizza's on our own!

Final result 10-7

11th LEAGUE vs Germiston 11th LEAGUE vs Germiston 11th LEAGUE vs Germiston 11th LEAGUE vs Germiston

Again it falls on me to report on the ongoing “woes” of 11th… we’ll have a better second half!!

Away vs Germiston lost 4 -16

  1. Johan Carstens lost 1-3
  2. Roger Johnson lost 0-3
  3. Greg Erasmus lost 2-3 (came close to winning … 7 -1 up in 4th)
  4. Johan Mare lost 1 – 3

Watch us when we have better 1 and 2’s!

Final result 4-16

10th LEAGUE vs Parkview

UJ’s reputation preceded them and a rather anxious Tom marshalled the troops and gave us the “must win” pep talk before the match started. When we could finally crowbar the 8th and 9th Leaguers off our court (they had byes and walkovers), Phil (the Very Relaxed) Alves commenced battle against Bradley the Youthful, who looked really good in the warm-up and offered some resistance in the first game, but was overwhelmed by sharp decisive play – first blood to us 3 – 0.

Next on was Steph (the Elder), well rested from 5 weeks off, playing Phenyo the Weird. After I won the first game, he looked at me mournfully and said “I lost”. Somewhat taken aback I wittily riposted with “Yes, you did.” The second game was closer but also went the right way. Then the weirdness must have rubbed off on me because I (unforgivably) lost the next two from 7 – 3 and 8 – 2 up. Luckily the 5th game went the right way. This set the pattern for the rest of the evening.

Phil (the Whirlwind) Norton took on Alister the Cheerful, who looked totally out of it in the first game but then proceeded to offer stern resistance. Some amazing pickups and astonishingly rapid fire shots were traded along with surprisingly basic errors. Phil seemed all set to take the match in the 4th game and had the spectators on the edge of their seats at 9 all, but let it slip. Doing more of the right things in the 5th, Phil took it rather comfortably.

Tom (the Stylish) v Heeswijk faced the formidable Reedwaan the Wizard, who seemed to be able to drop the ball from any position on the court and gave the marker (one of their guys) baleful looks when unfavourable decisions were made. The match was a topsy-turvy affair , with Tom looking bewildered in the first game, dominant in the second, outplayed in the third and finally masterful in the fourth and last games. A great match to watch but also rather tense.

So, another fine win:

1) Tom 3 – 2

2) Phil A 3 – 0

3) Steph 3 – 2

4) Phil N 3 – 2

Final result 16-6

8th League vs. Old Eds

Received another apologetic phone call in the morning advising they couldn't raise a team --- can we postpone ?

So rescheduled for 7 May. Instead had a light practise against the snot snivellers.

Match score: 5 - 16

7th League vs. Parkview

No report – rumour has it they got smacked.

Match score: 6-12

6ththLeague “B”(getting Better) vs Alberton

Everybody got their passports in order packed some padkos for the journey to Alberton. The commitment of the team is great the guys have really got their priorities right. Firstly it was Phils birthday and not any birthday but the big 50 – Congrats Phil, secondly Flip was leaving for the airport at 5 the next morning.

The captain was back from his 10 days leave and hoping that he could play at number 4 and ease into things. He got to the court to be welcomed by “Captain Grumpy” asking why I was so late and that I must get dressed so we can play. On at number 3 I went winning the first, losing the second hopelessly, coming back to win the next two 3-1 (lucky he did not know about the leave)

Phil and Ryan had now arrived and went onto two courts at the same time. Phil at number 1 starts against the “real no 1” player Kevin and takes the first and the second comfortably. Phil has a match point or two in the 3 rd and then remembers his “new” age and slows down to lose the third. This continued in the fourth and the match goes to the fifth with the fifty year old running out of legs 2-3.

The feedback during Phils game on Ryan playing at no 2 against “surfer boy” Clayton – Ryan took the first, Ryan has just lost the second, don’t worry Ryan is back in control and taken the third, be concerned Ryan has just lost the 4th badly and may lose the fifth – Ryan has won the 5th 9-0. Match 3-2

Its all up to Flip playing at no 4. He started before Ryans game ended and did not know what he had to do (just win two games) but we always knew that he would pull it through without the extra pressure. 3-0

Match result : 14-6

6ththLeague “A”(Astonishingly Good) vs Bryanston

The Awfully good A team arrived at Bryanston full of confidence after 6 straight wins.

Ron went on first and imperiously demolished his ex-Chamber opponent, Reiner Moosmuller, 3-0. Ron needn’t have bothered showering afterwards, so easy was it, and indeed wore the same un-washed shirt for Thursdays Masters match (a match by-the-way that wasn’t so easy and about which the “returning from injury” Mergus Mc will willingly spend hours describing).

Captain Rich (or is it Chris – hard to remember names at our age) then proceeded to make hard work of beating his Italian opponent 3-1.

Gavin then took on a very handy (but very podgy) fill-in. Gavin’s “vastly superior fitness” kicked in at 1-1 and Gavin eventually took an entertaining game 3-1.

The Silver Fox, on last against Vic the Horticultural Gardener, with nothing but pride to pay for, made sure he got his moneys worth and that Ron (the marker) had some exercise during the evening (mental if not physical). At 2 each, Captain Chris (or is that Rich) had some harsh words to say, all of which will get bounced by the profanity police in your servers, so cannot be expanded on – use your imagination. Needless to say the SF pulled himself towards himself to win comfortably in the 5th.

So another 16 point haul and we retired to the Brazen Head to be entertained by our gardening opponent over a couple of brown fizzy lemonades.

Match result : 16-4

5th LEAGUEvs Winchester Hills

What can I say? The mighty 5th league have finally been defeated.

CvH went on first against Hans Mordt at No 3, and despite getting to 1-0 and 6-0, managed to lose 9-2, 6-9, 4-9 and 5-9. Left my brain at work and forgot the new rule our Chairman highlighted 2 weeks ago (still cannot remember it, but it has something to do with playing against your opponent and not against the Ref!!) Lost 3-1

Next on was Trevor at No.1 against Paul. Trevor managed to just lose the first and win the second, but eventually lost 3-1. By now we had heard that Vevek and Sadesh had gone to Western Rackets instead of Winchester, and were on route.

Fortunately Winchester were happy to wait for 20 minutes, and Sadesh went on against Alan Eve as soon as he arrived. Lost the first while still suffering from jet lag, then put together some fine squash to win the next two, leaving Alan scratching his head as to what to do. Unfortunately Alan got back into the game with some advice from Hans, and won the next two. Great try Sadesh, that elusive win is soon to arrive. Lost 3-2

Finally Vevek went on against Darren Dickson, and after winning the first comfortably, something changed and Darren stepped up a gear and won the next three. Lost 3-1

Match result : 5-16

3rd LEAGUE vs UJ

So when I got the call in the afternoon from UJ that they don’t have a team and we should take the points, I should have said OK. They told me they only have 2 players, so I said, well at least let’s play with 2 players. They brought a no. 1 and a no. 2, that beat our no. 1 and no. 2 3-0, making it a points count out. Luckily our guys did get some points so we just won. Francisco suffering his first defeat and being beaten 3-0 at that.

Francisco: 0-3 (Against Riaan)

Willem: 0-3 (Against Jay, Marcus’ son)

Jeff: 3-0 (Walk over)

Gary: 3-0 (Walk over)

Match Result: 4-12

Ladies 4th LEAGUE 02 vs Edenvale

Caroline lost 1 - 3 after getting to 9 all in the 4th.

Pat won 3- 0

Megan and Lisa both lost 3 - 0 but their games are improving even if the scores are not.

Overall result 4-12

Ladies 3rd LEAGUE 01 vs Edenvale

Lisa 2-3

Julie 0-3

Claire 0-3

Jenny 1-3

Overall result 3-16